[Unknown]

My latest essay for School!!! Since the people around here seem to enjoy "debateing" and in some cases hehe FLAMEin different topices, here is one to debate/FLAME/ Rave about
!_!

http://www.shadowland.cc/Thoughts.pdf
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Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with such great ambitions.

[LeoDraco]

I shall not comment upon the subject matter, as I have no opinion one way or the other. I shall especially not comment upon the subject matter as I only really read the first paragraph. However, I shall comment upon the syntactic/semantic structure of your essay: namely, adding in some [syntax/semantic] structure would improve things.

Such as uniform paragraph indentation; while the odd, uneven indentation might simply be due to whatever tool you used to autogenerate the PDF, it looks slipshod. Also, I wot, paragraphs should either be denoted via indentation or by vertical whitespace, not by both simultaneously by current [American literary] convention.

I realize this is probably an attempt at informal writing, but constructions, such as the last sentence in the first paragraph, scream bad writing; not only is the sentence pendantically incorrect and ill-formed, it fails to lead sufficiently into the rest of your essay. I am also a bit miffed about the structuring of your thesis; if what you are driving home is, "those in the army are not the blind, selfless gits they are paraded to be," then your intro paragraph does a poor job of communicating the point.

I suppose the ultimate issue is, as far as presentation goes, your apparant lack of interest in the paper: if you do not care enough to present your thoughts in a conventional manner --- which is, at the very least, suggested by labelling this effort as an "essay for School!!!" --- why should we care to take the time to grok it?
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"...LeoDraco is a pompus git..." -- Mandrake

[NyanNyanKoneko]

Aren't school essays supposed to be double spaced?

Beyond that, you're a little wordy, repeating yourself when you have no need to. Also, try to reduce the number of pronouns you use when you write.

For example, you write, "Is this what is happening?" You should try to be more descriptive. A good rule of thumb is to never start a sentence with the word, "it."

Also, never start a sentence with the word, "like." You write, "Like, let's say..." in your first paragraph. Try replacing that with, "For example."

Similarly, your second paragraph begins, "For example was the death..." For example is a prepositional clause, not a noun / subject. You should rewrite that sentence to read, "A famous example of the betrayal of the army's oath is..." Watch your tenses. Unless your example is no longer an example, refer to it in the present tense.

Anyways, I'm going to stop grammar naziing your paper. I'm not being fair. I can tell you spent a lot of time on it.
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INFP

[Unknown]

Thanks guys for ya'lls critiqs so far i will definally work on it ;) as i can see no one wants to take sides on the essays content... i guess if you didnt get what my main point was... i was tryin to say that in effect those in command should take responsibilty for there actions and those they are over...

anyhow once again hehe repatition sorry ^_^ thanks for the help!!!

Oh ya and about not being enthusiastic (LeoDraco) about it DUDE its a School Essay If i wasnt i wouldnt of posted it here !!!
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Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with such great ambitions.

[tunginobi]

You're using capital letters where they aren't required. Capital letters to begin words should be restricted to the start of sentences and proper nouns (i.e. names of people, places, etc.). You're using capital letters for regular nouns...

[Unknown]

WOW DUDE so like a "standard" for essay writting is like so:

Thesis Statment.
A.Point a
B.Point b
c.Point c

P.A.
sub A.a
sub A.b
sub A.c

P.B.
sub B.a
sub B.b
sub B.c

P.C.
sub C.a
sub C.b
sub C.c

Restate Thesis: Point A point B point C and conclued

is that like the formate??? or am i like totally off from what i think your sayin?
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Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with such great ambitions.

[Nephilim]

There's no hard-and-fast rule for structuring an essay, but his suggestion is a good one. The "thesis-point-point-point-conclusion" format may be a little dry, but there's a reason it's so universally taught: it's easy and it works pretty well for most cases. (I'll let you in on a little secret, too: that format is also very easy to grade, which makes teachers happy.)
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Visit the Sacraments web site to play the game and read articles about its development.

[NyanNyanKoneko]

Don't listen to people who say you can't use contractions in your essay. You can use them, but use them sparingly.
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INFP