[DeveloperX]

I'm tired, and lonely, and up to my neck in debt, and having a shitty life right now....and I need a place to vent. I figured I'd post here in hopes that my friends (and possible friends) would help me fell less shitty. :|

so here goes:

I've had to reformat my computer, cause my hdd got messed up somehow while messing around with asm....damnit.
I went to load my backup cds, and found that they were corrupt, so I lost gigs of work that I've done since december 04. damnit damnit.
my girlfriend has been feeling like shit, cause of her fuckedup parents, and school, and, well everything..and taking everything out on me, being a real bitch about everything, we got into a bad fight, the worst one in the past 4 1/2 years we've been together, she got pissed at me because I didn't want to 'talk' with her about something, or other, cause I was tired, and she fucking kicked me in the head! I was not about to go to jail for fighting with a minor in the middle of the street, so I walked away, back to my house...I went to go inside, and she started hitting me, so I turned around, and slapped her arms down (not violently, just defensively..I'm no woman abuser, or anything, not ever! don't think that about me at all) and she started bawling cause she was sick of fighting, and started crying/cursing at me, so I went inside, and called her dad, and told him that I wasn't going to deal with this bullshit anymore, and that he needed to call her up, and set her straight. he told me to tell her that she has 15 minutes to get home...anyway, I went home, and I've been feeling like shit, can't remember much code syntax..losing my mind, seeing things in the shadows, etc..
I tried to get online, and had to reinstall my dsl modem cause of the hdd reformatting earlier...anyway, I checked my email, and have been turned down at all 30 job positions I applied to, and on top of that, the leg on my chair broke, while I was typing this post. :( damnit. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I'm stressed cause of unpaid bills, an empty bank account, my gf driving me crazy,.............*Screams aloud*
I....just..........dont........know. :(
Please, if anyone gives a rats ass, please tell me something kind, I can't take anymore criticism, my dad has yelled at me enough..oh, damn I didn't even talk about _that_ jeez, theres a fucking annoyance.
dad has never ever taken my computer skills seriously, I turned down a job offer 3 years ago, because I couldn't afford to relocate to california, because I loved my gf too much, and wouldn't leave her for a job.. (now I'm thinking it was a mistake)
my dad said that I was aiming too high for my life, that I wouldn't ever be able to make any kind of large amounts of money, that I would always be, like him, fucking poor. it really pisses me off, and *head hits desk*

guys, I'm a wreck. I,......don't like living this fucking pathetic life anymore. I'm sick and tired of having everything in my life get fucked up. hell, I'm a great designer, and programmer, but why the hell have I no finished projects to show for it? I've busted my ass for more than twelve years, and what do I have to show for it? I just don't get it. I really just don't get it.
What in the hell am I here for?
I'll check back in about an hour to see if anyone says anything.
I'll also be on trillian, for AIM, Yahoo, MSN, ICQ....if anyone's got anything to help.............sorry about being like this, I wish I had more friends that I could talk to...but I don't have but 2 local friends. Tommy - whos sleeping, and has to goto work in 3 hours...and my.........gf.....which I don't think will be anymore.....*begins crying inside* I've lived on this fucked up planet for 20 years, and nothing has ever, ever happened without some screwedup bullshit making it an awful experience.
_________________
Principal Software Architect
Rambling Indie Games, LLC

See my professional portfolio

[Nephilim]

Dude, I know things look bleak right now, but just remember that you've still got your health, you've still got your talent, you've still got your brains. You don't live under a totalitarian regime, you're not wasting away from some debilitating disease, and you still have people in your life (even if you're getting stress from them right now). That's more than a lot of people on this rock can say. Keep your anger and frustration under control, go see a counselor if you need to, and keep applying for jobs. Get away from the computer and the rest of your life with a good book in a place that makes you happy, like a park or a library, and get some peace for yourself. If you can keep from losing it, you'll pull out eventually. Just keep your eye on the ball, stay calm, and try to focus on the pleasant details in life.
_________________
Visit the Sacraments web site to play the game and read articles about its development.

[DeveloperX]

Nephilim, you are very wise. Thank you.
I think I'll take you up on the book idea....*wonders where his hardy boys collection ended up in the past 17 years since he's read them* hmm....guess I'll go to the library tomorr....wait damn, its sunday, cause go tmorrow....maybe monday...
my anger is in check, if it wasn't I'd have struck back at her today. I've learned how to control my anger, cause I could easily kill just about anyone without trying, cause I see nothing but 'red' when I go off. - when I was 11, I was taunted my this asshole that was about 15, he would throw rocks at me, and I warned him, that he better stop. he didnt, and he ended up with a broken arm, and I don't even remember much of what happened. all i remember was me telling him that I don't lose fights, and he said 'yeah right' and threw another rock, and I rushed him, and then theres a part of my memory that is all blocked, its like I was somewhere else, and I just beat the holy hell out of him. I have learned around when I was 15 that I was dangerous when angry, and that I had to control my anger of else I would end up a brutal person, and I did, infact learn to control my anger, I only take brute force, when my life, or someone I care about's life is threatened, such as this fuckbag at the mall who was 'touching' on my gf, I warned him that he should keep his hands to himself, he ignored me and continued to touch my gf, I punched him with enough force to bust a support column, which I would think have busted his jaw, and then I threw him down the escalator. He was lucky that I didn't go downstairs. He ran off screaming. - now, I didn't say this to make anyone think that I'm some kind of psycho brute. I told this to just say that I defend my life, and those that I care about, to any extent. I do not allow people to 'get away' with doing things that harm/could harm people I care about.
I only assume that you know what I meant by 'touching' btw, if not, let me be a little more specific. he grabbed her breasts in the middle of the mall, SHE WAS ONLY 15 AT THE TIME, HE WAS LIKE 28!!!!!
anyway, point being this: I control my anger in all situations that are non life-threatening.
I know I'll pull out of this rut, I just _need_ someone to talk with, no not a counselor, they just fuck with your head ~ they turned my first friend ever, against me, he tried to KILL me after he went to a fucking counselor....told him all kinds of shit like telling him that I was a danger to him, and that I shouldn't be here. they hell kind of shit is that? I had to leave the fucking state to get away from him.
(like I said before, NOTHING in my life has gone without shit happening)

anyways..I guess I'll go play some playstation for awhile before I passout from exhaustion/fall asleep, whatever comes first :P
thanks again for taking the time to reply to my long post.

*looks for a good game to blow shit up in...always good stress relievers...hehe.....mm ratchet and clank 2...yeah there we go.*
_________________
Principal Software Architect
Rambling Indie Games, LLC

See my professional portfolio

[DrunkenCoder]

Holy crapage dude :( I'm seriously lacking for word here but as Nephilim said how outrageous it all seems you still got your health and talent. I really hope things take a turn for the better soon.
_________________
If there's life after death there is no death, if there's no death we never live. | ENTP

[Nodtveidt]

A bit of advice for you: unless the gf is providing you with something you can't live without, ditch the whole gf concept. You need to worry about #1 before you can worry about anything else. A lot of people's problems in their life come from a "significant other". And if you're already up to your neck in trouble, having a gf can make it worse. So you might want to be by yourself for awhile. It worked for me awhile back...and I wish more people would do it too. It seems humans have this sociological need to be "with someone"...bah, be with yourself, get to know yourself, love yourself and cherish your own life before you involve that life of yours with that of another. It also sounds like you're in need of some organization. :) You should probably sit down sometime and plot out a list of goals, things you want to accomplish in your life, both short-term and long-term. It might sound like some campy 4-H crap but honestly, it works. :) When you have no direction in life, you see no need to improve, so give your life direction and you'll start going places. :)

Lifs can be very harsh, man...I've been there, done that, and have more t-shirts than JC Penney. But you gotta stick it out, keep focused on your goals, and work at it. Once you figure out who *you* are, the rest becomes rather easy. :)

Another thing you might want to try doing is not to be so hard on yourself. You say you have nothing to show for your years of hard work...is that really true? Being a big money-earner isn't the only thing in life. If doing your work makes you happy, then that's a reward in itself. If it makes others happy, that's another reward. A lot of people have this impression that's along the lines of "yeah so what? so a few people in some indie scene like my stuff, who cares?". Well, they care...the fact that you have the power and ability to create something that interests them and makes them remember who *you* are is a very satisfying thing. It may not put food on the table but it satisfies the mind, which leads to self-confidence, which leads to desire to pursue bigger and better things...which leads to better jobs and more money. :)

In closing: tough it out, get your priorities in order, don't be so hard on yourself, and figure out who you are. The long-term benefits are very rewarding. :) If anything, you already have the power to change the lives of other people. Not everyone can honestly say that.
_________________
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards you can hear demonic voices. The scary part is that if you play it forwards it installs Windows. - wallace

[tcaudilllg]

I'm with Necrophidius on this one: look within, dude.

[DeveloperX]

[Nodtveidt]

Best of luck to you. :) If you ever need another ear to listen, feel free to message me on msn at nodtveit@sover.net.
_________________
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards you can hear demonic voices. The scary part is that if you play it forwards it installs Windows. - wallace

[DeveloperX]

[Hajo]

[Nephilim]

Well, I wouldn't ditch the gf of several years just yet. If you had met her a few week ago, no sweat, but you've invested a lot of time and effort into that relationship, so you shouldn't throw it away lightly. Presumably, she's seeing something in you that makes you worth many years of time, too, even if things are rocky right now.

The thing to ask yourself is whether she is the problem, or whether something else in your life is the problem. If it's the former, then it's indeed time to take a hard look at whether you think your relationship is salvageable. But if it's the latter, she could be a valuable ally in helping you fix whatever it is that you discern to be holding you back in your life, if you can iron out the difficulties between you.

I'd recommend going to a counselor before throwing it all out. You can always decide that it's not working and end it later, but you won't always be able to get her back.

Jeez, am I channeling Dr. Phil or something? I'd better sign off before I write a self-help book...
_________________
Visit the Sacraments web site to play the game and read articles about its development.

[DeveloperX]