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Mandrake elementry school minded asshole
Joined: 28 May 2002 Posts: 1341 Location: GNARR!
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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 6:28 pm Post subject: new RPGDX article by your's truly |
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http://seraphchild.com/urizen/fanfic.htm
bitch about it here. If I'm wrong about anything, or if you see retarded typo's that I didn't catch please tell me. I plan on doing one a week until I'm bored. _________________ "Well, last time I flicked on a lighter, I'm pretty sure I didn't create a black hole."-
Xmark
http://pauljessup.com
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Mandrake elementry school minded asshole
Joined: 28 May 2002 Posts: 1341 Location: GNARR!
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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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ok, just updated it with screenshots and links _________________ "Well, last time I flicked on a lighter, I'm pretty sure I didn't create a black hole."-
Xmark
http://pauljessup.com
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Happy JonA's American snack pack
Joined: 03 Aug 2002 Posts: 200
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2004 3:16 am Post subject: Re: new RPGDX article by your's truly |
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Mandrake wrote: | bitch about it here. If I'm wrong about anything, or if you see retarded typo's that I didn't catch please tell me. |
Okay!
I woke up today in a fairly awful mood, so you're very lucky.
I'll be doing this via quotes. *Ahem*
Mandrake wrote: | Being able to trace this all back to trace this all back to one momentous occasion, trace it all back to same Axis Mundi RPG game that changed my life and the way I viewed video games. |
You say "trace this all back to" about three times in this sentence.
Mandrake wrote: | So I'll start way back when....choosing a random point like a Bogo Sort to grab at least a place to begin the journey in this article. |
I'm just critizing when I say that I don't like this sentence. If you can really call it that. Something like, "I'll start by choosing ( using something like a Bogo Sort) a random point to begin the journey in this article." would be so much better, I think. This is just criticism, though.
Mandrake wrote: | ... I think we spend most of our time just exploring... |
The "spend" here should be "spent".
Mandrake wrote: | Here was a game were we controlled the fate of our characters, were we wandered around and did what we pleased. |
The "were"'s here should be "where"'s.
Mandrake wrote: | Next I remember is Ultima 3. |
This should be changed to "The next [game] I remember is Ultima 3" or "Next I remember Ultima 3", either way would be fine. However, I prefer the latter.
Mandrake wrote: | What can be done with gaming and video games in general, and how to turn those fantastic table top worlds and adventures into a digital, lasting creation that others could play. |
This sounds like a fragment to me, unless it's like a question or something.
Mandrake wrote: | ... it is an experience limited ot the moment... |
I'm sure "ot" here should be "to".
Mandrake wrote: | Next up came Dragon Warrior (henceforth, DW), with which I was able to persuade my parents to get me a years subscription to Nintendo Power, because a years subscription came with a free copy of Dragon Warrior. |
The "henceforth" could stand without a comma after it. Also, you say "henceforth", but later in the sentence you still use "Dragon Warrior".
Mandrake wrote: | (mainly because games at that time where between 60-70$ a pop for the nes, and a subscription was significantly less expensive than that) |
The "where", I'm sure, should be "were".
Mandrake wrote: | ... and the combat were simplified. |
"were" to "was"
Mandrake wrote: | DW 3 was interesting- you could create a party (much like U3), and then the coolest part is you could switch jobs at Dharma Temples. |
Should be changed to something like, "DW 3 was interesting- you could create a party (much like U3). But the coolest part; you could switch jobs at Dharma Temples." Also, using complete sentences and thoughts would help out too. Heh.
Mandrake wrote: | ... [a d n] some really cool combat scenes. |
"a d n" to "and" (I had to seperate the letters because, apparently, RPGDX autocorrects.)
Mandrake wrote: | Throw in a decent storyline, and this game combined all of the greatness of U3, with the simplicity and style of DW. |
The comma after "storyline" could go.
Mandrake wrote: | ... and they removed many oddity of U3 |
"oddity" to "oddities"
Mandrake wrote: | and to top it off it had a really cool character creation system (using tarot cards and a personality questionnaire). |
"and to top it off" should have a comma after it.
Mandrake wrote: | I foud out later when I played U4 for the PC, it was just the interface. |
"foud" to "found"
Mandrake wrote: | It was a blast, and at the time I loved it. There of course, was some flaws in it. |
Should be something like, "It was a blast, and, at the time, I loved it. There, of course, were some flaws in it."
Mandrake wrote: | Looking back, RPG's video games where much more defined back then. |
This is a weird sentence. You're saying "role playing games video games". Plus, the "where" should be "were".
Mandrake wrote: | ... even back the genre... |
I think you meant "even back then the genre".
About mid-way through the last paragraph you completely changed directions, and I stopped correcting.
To bitch; I think you need to learn some composition skills. The article doesn't cause a complete headache but it doesn't follow a concise pattern either. I probably missed a few things, as I haven't woken up completely yet. But, that's pretty much it.
You're welcome, baby.
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Ohyah Guest
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2004 11:11 am Post subject: |
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i liked your article, and as everyone has grammatical or spelling errors they didn't bother me at all...
some ppl might get self-esteem from correcting errors...
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valderman Mage
Joined: 29 Aug 2002 Posts: 334 Location: Gothenburg, Sweden
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2004 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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Nice article, though my english teacher would most likely crush your kneecaps for the first sentence Happy pointed out. ^_~ _________________ http://www.weeaboo.se
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BadMrBox Bringer of Apocalypse
Joined: 26 Jun 2002 Posts: 1022 Location: Dark Forest's of Sweden
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2004 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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I cannot complain about your grammar skills as I spell like a total A**whole myself and my sentences are usually kinda blurry. On the other hind, I could complain about the design of your article. You should not have text covering the whole screen like that. Its awful to read it like it is now. Have some space onn each sides. But, it is the article itself that counts and I find it a nice read. You even got me interested for a round of U4. _________________
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Mandrake elementry school minded asshole
Joined: 28 May 2002 Posts: 1341 Location: GNARR!
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2004 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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well thank you happy- although, i was looking for critiques, not looking for someone to be an egotistical ass about it. Your not welcome. Go fuck a stump.
everyone else:
thanks. yeah, many errors...but, meh, I'm working on draft 2, so that should be fixed. _________________ "Well, last time I flicked on a lighter, I'm pretty sure I didn't create a black hole."-
Xmark
http://pauljessup.com
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LeoDraco Demon Hunter
Joined: 24 Jun 2003 Posts: 584 Location: Riverside, South Cali
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 2:26 am Post subject: |
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In my opinion, a person's grammar is a window into two things: the person's effective intelligence, and how much the person cares about the written work. Let this not be a comment on the former, in respect to Mandrake; I believe he's quite the intellect.
However, in respect to the latter: much can be said about the quality of work; a poorly written piece of work is either not going to be read, or it is going to be mocked for its bad writing. Now, you would think that somebody who cared about their own writing would spend some time with a grammar/spell checker, going over the work to refine it all. Now, as the case is, this is not the precedence with Mandrake. Forum posts aside, Mandrake, you seriously don't present your work in a manner that says, "I care;" and if you don't care, why should we?
My only other critique/complaint about the article is the layout of the images that, for all affects, appear to be thrown in haphazardly. It seriously comes off as if you don't really care anything for the article. I have no idea why the images are included, nor to what games they refer to; the graphics could do with some spacing out. Some borders perhaps. And definitely, some captions. _________________ "...LeoDraco is a pompus git..." -- Mandrake
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Rooter Copyright Infringer
Joined: 09 Feb 2003 Posts: 61
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Wow, that is a truly terribly written article. I imagine your game will be of a similar quality.
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js71 Wandering DJ
Joined: 22 Nov 2002 Posts: 815
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Rooter wrote: | Wow, that is a truly terribly written article. I imagine your game will be of a similar quality. |
I think that was a joke, but if it wasn't, it's actually pretty funny how ignorant and narrow minded people like this can be.
'I don't like this guy so his game must suck.'
=P
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BadMrBox Bringer of Apocalypse
Joined: 26 Jun 2002 Posts: 1022 Location: Dark Forest's of Sweden
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 4:57 am Post subject: |
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I hope it was a joke. Rooter seems to be a guy with common senses. _________________
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Rooter Copyright Infringer
Joined: 09 Feb 2003 Posts: 61
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 7:23 am Post subject: |
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It was obviously a joke. I don't like Mandrake and the article was truly horrible but from what I've heard and seen it seems that his game could be quite promising.
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janus Mage
Joined: 29 Jun 2002 Posts: 464 Location: Issaquah, WA
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 11:05 am Post subject: |
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Man, is it just me or are some of the new people around here completely lacking in tact? I mean, I'm an asshole, sure, but some of these new people are totally crossing the line.
You should know better, Mandrake. ;)
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Bjorn Demon Hunter
Joined: 29 May 2002 Posts: 1425 Location: Germany
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with LeoDraco. The article seems to have gone through no effort whatsoever to reduce the amount of errors and present it in a nice way. I especially disliked the colors, much better would be specifying no color at all.
As for the contents of the article, it didn't seem very interesting as it was basically a list of all the games Mandrake played. Somehow I had expected more interesting "tales".
To Happy: Yeah, "adn_" to "and" is one of many autocorrections installed in the 'word censor' system. :-)
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XMark Guitar playin' black mage
Joined: 30 May 2002 Posts: 870 Location: New Westminster, BC, Canada
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2004 4:56 pm Post subject: |
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Cool. I just went into the forum management options and looked at the list of corrections, then added my own, one that changes defin-a-tely to the correct word definitely (that is the one spelling error that annoys me the most on the internet) _________________ Mark Hall
Abstract Productions
I PLAYS THE MUSIC THAT MAKES THE PEOPLES FALL DOWN!
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